Does ego death means that I don’t have ego at all anymore? What exacly is the ego? I think ego is something like a mask or mechanism that remembers everything that has happened to us during our life and it should keep us alive and give us warning if there is danger to our health or life. Today I think it rather sabotaging our lives and keeping us away to live fulfilled happy life by dominating over our authentic selves.
Looking inside of my ego I see limiting beliefs that have been shaped my sense of self by society, my parents, my schoolmates, my coworkers, friends. I feel resistance as anxienty in my body when I try to do big changes in my life. I hear me judging myself and avoiding my own feelings. My first ego death happened when I discovered meditation and began to observe my thoughts and feelings. At this point I started to separate my authentic self from my ego. I was observing information flowing through my head and I suddenly realized that somewhere it was really me who was observing all this traffic in my mind without making judgments. I also started to differentiate between my authentic self and my ego in situations where someone was being bullied. Part of me told me to ignore it because it was better for me. The second part, however, felt that ignoring is not right and I should try to somehow help or create a balance in this situations. That was my authentic self wanted to give something out rather then getting something from this situations like safety.
I started to see people’s authentic selves behind ego behavior. I understood why some people behave badly with others and intentionally hurt others. Instead of making judgments about them I started to feel their own pain behind actions and create connections why hurt people hurt people.
I started to write out my own actions and I also observed my own behavior patterns and tried to find connections with my past. I started to quietly manage my emotions and inner world by separating myself from my ego that tried to protect me from changes with automatic reactions and behaviors. I tried to focus more and more on the quiet voice inside me that guided me to approach situations more consciously. Based on my own values, love and understanding instead of fear.
After first, second and third ego death I reached the next layer of ego which was the spiritual ego. After deep work with myself I was intruduced with this little cute monster. The expression was mainly that I was constantly triggered by people’s ego-based behavior and had an irresistible desire to “fix” them. Fortunately the death of this ego layer came when I quickly realized that it is not my responsibility to fix anyone and there is no opportunity to do it without other permission and deep desire to grow. We can only be an inspiration and a guide for those who accept it with open minds and need it. We are not only brothers and sisters but souls who are equal here on earth regardless of the knowledge, status, etc. Because if you’re not Kate, Jake, a lawyer, entrepreneur or artist, does that mean you don’t exist anymore? Or you are a conscious being experiencing life. Like all of us. With such neutrality, respect and unconditional love for my fellow souls I’m middle of funeral of my spiritual ego, allowing my ego to exist but not to control my life through fear.